5 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN...AND YOURSELF

I briefly touched on my annoyance with magazines that proclaim they can teach you to please your man. I used to read said magazines, and after a year's subscription, realized I could have bought any number of Karma Sutra books. "501 Ways to Please your man...306 Ways to Get the Ring...191 Ways to Have Him Come Back for MORE..." AHHHHHHH!!! Ladies, it neither be this complicated or contrived. If you really want to be pleasing to your man, I would suggest any of the following methods:

1) Ask your man
2) Give oral
3) Thoroughly enjoy giving oral
4) Make a good sandwich
5) Shut up during sports

Allow me to explain each point...

1) Ask your man:
Every guy is different; therefore, he will have different needs and desires of the other men you've been with. Would you drive and maintain a Minivan as you would a Mercedes? Ah, such is pleasing your man. Your man has custom made wants and desires that appeal to him, and they may have custom made desires based on the attributes of their woman. Reading this post, a magazine, or asking your platonic male friend for advice (please stop, you're giving the poor guy blue balls with all those questions) does not do the trick alone. Ladies, if you want to know what to do, ask him!

2) Give oral!:
Once again, this will be a custom made art to fit your man's wants. A magazine will not tell you to deep-throat, but your man's hand on the back of your head will. Voila, nearly $4 will be saved by going in the direction your man is eagerly leading you. It is not a mystery. (Also, don't use teeth ever! Unless he likes it.)

3) Thoroughy enjoy giving oral:
Ah, yes... this is a bit trickier. A job done well is a job well done, but if you throw in eagerness and enjoyment, the job becomes PHENOMENALLY done. No man wants to feel like he's raping your mouth (not to be crude, but it's true). Don't give a half ass attempt because he really likes it and you have been wanting the living room remodeled and blah blah blah. NO! Do it because you love him, and he loves oral. It's a few moments of selflessness out of your day to show him you care about him. Also, a man's squirming and speaking gibberish because you're doing it (and doing it and doing it well) will totally boost your ego.

4) Make a good sandwich:
I know, it's silly, but we know men like to eat, and a sandwich is the quickest, neatest, most satisfying snack/meal. Guys love sandwiches, so make them. They don't care how much you've been slaving in the kitchen over a 5 course meal (you're only wearing yourself out and taking away time from "dessert"). They'll be more prone to think that's craziness when all you had to do was throw some cold cuts on some bread, and if you think it's enough meat, go ahead and add two more slices and some fresh cooked bacon, trust me. Cooking in general is appealing to a man, but I find good sandwiches just make them happy. If it sounds like I'm trying to put all of us women back in the kitchen, oh hell well. At least I'm not suggesting you be in the kitchen for hours.

5) Shut up during sports:
This is important! It's a very small matter, but it's the little things that drive people crazy. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS DURING THE GAME. For one, he's not even paying attention, and second, it's totally rude on a woman's part. If your man wants to spend an afternoon vegging in front of the tube, leave him to it. Unless you're going to add some insight to the game he's watching, pipe down. I'm a female who loves her sports, especially futbol, and when guys try to talk about a not-so-Soccer topic, I get really pissed. I mean, for Christ's sake, the game is on!!!! It is not rocket science, and it is a matter of proper manners. No One Is Above It.


If this is too offensive to the eyes, go pick yourself up a magazine and start practicing sex positions instead. I mean, the mag will even show you how it's done with pictures. Ooh, and they'll even tell you the oodles of money to waste on items he'll barely notice. (Do you think he knows the difference between "Sweet temptation", "Romantic Wish", or "Jergens"?) I prefer both using my head and pleasing my man in the same manner I liked to be pleased. It works. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it, it's just from some woman, anyway. If you'd like insight that is closer to home, please visit http://Mantrix.blogspot.com, and ask Agent Smith, the most manly man that I know what he would suggest. Men have wonderful insight into what they want, and so shall you.

Happy Hunting
Not~So~Cosmo