Witsy's Wonderful World of Disney

Witizens:

I just got back from my birthday Walt Disney World vacation, and it will definitely be a memorable experience. It deffo kicked off with a BANG (clears throat)! Where in the hell should I begin? Ooh, first, I stayed at the coolest couple's (Will Work For Shoes & her hubby) pad in Orlando; we kicked off the celebrations on Thursday night. It was an awesome birthday just chilling, drinking, and chiefing with old school friends. The next day, I had plans to have brunch with a few friends. I pulled up to the restaurant to find my friend in shock because she'd just locked her newborn in the car. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, so he was cool and comfortable, but she was crying hysterically because he was crying and well... she'd just locked her baby in the car. We calmed her down and assured her she wasn't the worst mother in the world, and we called the police, who sent firemen out to break into the car. YAY!! Disaster averted. We all went on to have lunch, and I spent most of the day with her and the little one. I squealed a whole big bunch.

That night is when the Disney experience officially kicked off. I met up with my partner in crime, Lioness of Zion, at the hotel room (we call it the JAGGER Room) and it was on from there. Fear & Loathing at Disney had begun. Here's a little bit of history on Lionness and Not~So~Cosmo at Disney: We go fucking nuts. We drink and smoke ourselves RETARDED. We drop more cash on silly trinkets and Disney memorabilia than we do on bills. We scream random inside jokes. We holla at all kinds of guys (single or with their families), from all over, so we call it "Pimpin' All Over the World"... We are Hunter S. and his attorney, only it's not in a sess pool like Vegas where our antics would easily be overlooked; it all goes down in a family setting. We push everything to the limit. Needless to say, we were so hyped to be at Disney again, that the festivities began when I walked into the room. Then we set off for dinner and bowling with friends, and that was the first mistake. Rule #1: "Never EVER leave the Disney compound." We had never broken that rule, and here we were racing to our own undoing.

Bowling was cool, but not as wild and crazy as it usually is. I don't know, something was missing. After that, we went and drank more. Lots more. After that, we drunkenly drove back to the hotel; Lioness, myself, and two more people that I'll just call "JCC" and "Apathy". Again, a cardinal rule was broken. Rule #2: "Only the Lioness and Not~So~Cosmo can stay in the JAGGER Room." The events that occurred in our JAGGER suite will not be accounted for in writing. I will say this: "I will blame plenty on alcohol, and I would do anything for love... but I won't do that." I ended up getting pissed. Fuck that! I ended up LOATHING everything, and FEARING for everyone's safety because I was so out of control. If I had a hammer, I'd have hammered that morning. I didn't fall asleep until a ridiculous hour, and woke up at 7am for a wonderful day at Disney.

Rule #3: "In Walt Disney World, you have to be happy. You HAVE to!!" So, I put my best foot forward and had the BEST TIME EVER. The Lioness made it uber fun, but there was a entity born on Friday; "Jimmy Crack Corn". I awoke on Saturday and said that our guests had a real "Jimmy Crack Corn, and I Don't Care" mentale, and the song stuck with us for rest of the trip. To top it off, we went to the coolest restaurant in Epcot, and the actual song was playing inside the restaurant. Oh, how God has the best sense of humor. The restaurant rotated, and in one spot, they played the song; we got to hear it three times. Jimmy cracking his corn, and no one giving a damn. We were in hysterics. Then I say (in my bitchiest tone ever), "Well meet my Jimmy Crack Corn, and he's better than yours...", and then went on to say how I was more apathetic than anyone. Sure, it was the bitchiest, most juvenile thing ever, but then again, we were at Disney; I get transported to adolescence all over again. We finished the day with nothing but smiles and comments about "Jimmy Crack Corn", or "Crack Crack Crack Corn, Bitch". Ahh, good times. That night we went to Epcot's Food and Wine Tour (more like Wine & Wine Tour) and proceeded to get retarded... The rest of the trip would have needed a recorder and transcripts.

In the end, I had a blast. Rule #4: "Don't let anything fuck up the Disney magic because it costs too much." The last two rules were the only ones we adhered to, and we had a fantastic time. Sure, some parts were very goyish, but we paid for fun, fear, and loathing, and that's exactly what we got. With the adaption of the "Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care" mentality, the Lioness and I no longer feared to get on any rides, and we no longer loathed anyone or anything. I do believe the whole trip was saved by Jimmy's corn cracking ass. I love that guy.


Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo