Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

It was only a month ago that I was sitting around the table for Thanksgiving with the family and friends, and it was in the company of two of my sisters, my sister-in-law, and a neighbor that the talk of tummy tucks, liposuction, implants, and nose jobs came up. All of them had had "work done". I was the only ostracized ostrich at the table who refuses to get "corrective surgery", so I just silently ate while they talked about getting sawed up and stuffed with saline. It was when my sister-in-law said she wanted a nose job that I finally unsilenced myself by pointing out that one correction to the face would lead to countless of other corrections to various other parts of her face. I asked them, and now I'll ask all of you this: Why, Women don't you leave your bodies "as is"? Why are you opting for "corrective surgery" as if something is wrong with your bodies? Why not proper eating and exercise?

I'm not perfect, and I'm sure no one believes they are... If they do, that makes them imperfect already. However, the dream of a doctor making you perfect after surgery is indeed a dream. Women, wake up. Once you fix that "one little imperfection" on your body, chances are you'll notice another imperfection, and another, and so on... and so on... Just stop! It annoys me that what was once a Hollywood trend has spilled into everyday peoples' lives as well, with housewives having "work done" and teenage girls wanting "work done". Why has everyone gone mad? Is it too much Nip/Tuck and Dr. 90210? Is it too much of watching Desperate Housewives? Why, Women, have you fallen out of love with your own self image so much that you'll let a doctor butcher your bodies in the hope to look better?

The most confusing aspect of all of this to me is that married women get work done against the objections of their husbands. If your man thinks you look great, why go under the knife? Isn't he the one you want to be the most beautiful for? Isn't he the one paying for it? Isn't he the one that will help you while you're healing? Isn't he the one that will have to deal with you if the doctor botches the whole thing? Why isn't his opinion that you are "just fine the way you are" enough?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Final Suri Update

Witizens,

Disclaimer:
The following incidents are all true and happened as I say they happened and couldn't have happened any other way because I said so!


I saw her... Against my will, I swear it! I had managed to allude those photographs for months, and then while checking out at the grocery store it happened. I saw Little Suri Cruise's evil face gracing the cover of a tabloid. I tried to turn away quickly (giving a small yelp because I was being forced to see what my eyes so desperately wanted to reject), but it was all in vain. So, there I was in the middle of the store, yelping with my eyes shut tight (I stood for a few seconds like this) to wipe away the image, but it was too late... much much too late. I knew I couldn't take it back, and it pained me. I left the store in more of a hurry than I had arrived, and with half the glee in my heart. This was a few days ago, but I needed to muster up the courage and strength to even speak of the incident. I'm still trying to cope.

On the next visit to the store, I zoned out in line and realized when it was my turn that I had been facing the tabloids and had subconsciously been staring at a number of Suri pics. I gave up the good fight this time. Perhaps I was hypnotized by the photos... I don't know. All I know is that when my eyes refocused, Suri was as snug as a devil bug in an evil rug in her daddy's arms (well, not Satan, but rather Tom, a close 2nd to the Dark Lord). UGH!! It was my intention to never lay eyes on that child. At the very least, I wanted to hold out far longer than TomKat held out on showing her to the world. They kept the baby under raps for 143 days. I avoided her with great effort for 90 glorious days. I failed the mission, thanks to the love birds' Italian wedding and the goons that took a gazillion photos. Damn them all.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

P.S. Is Satan Asian? I only ask because Suri looks part Asian...

Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

Woohooo!!! It's my 69th post and I'm excited. I know, I know... I'm lascivious. After reading exerts from the tell all novel Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine "Superhead" Steffans, I began wondering how this chick had given more millionaires head than the law should allow, and yet she had not one thing to show for all her "hard work"... Well, until she wrote the book, that is. It lead me to today's inquiry. Why Women, do you allow men to treat you like a whore, but you don't charge them like one?

I have never taken money for sex, but I have taken money. And plenty of it... I call it gifts. I didn't really need it, but why turn down a gift? However, I have never taken any cash from the guys I slept with because we were mutually using each other for sex and I wasn't in need of cash anyway. Therefore, I've never felt used and abused and broke at the same time. That shit wouldn't fly with me. The thing that confuses me is that if I'm in need, I want the dude that is banging my brains out to help me out of whatever bind I'm in, and I would do likewise. These girls are banging multiple men and barely have money to feed themselves. Women, why are you choosing guys that would watch you starve and not lift a finger to do anymore than finger you? If you're not going to sell it, why not just sit on it?

Why not choose a man that will help you when you're in need? They are sometimes called "husbands" or "boyfriends"... If this all comes across as gold- digging, then oh hell well; I'd prefer a sugar daddy to a sperm daddy any day. I like to think that if you're going to have the shame in your eyes of fucking more men than the average porn star, then you should have some nice Gucci sunglasses to hide that shame. Since the guilt is already there, might as well take the money too. Being a cum receptacle is bad enough... Being a cum receptacle whilst being broke and starved out is a fucking travesty.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Retards? "Special"?

Witizens,

It has been brought to my attention that I don't "drop enough bombs" and that I should write about "keeping it real"; I figured I could do both at the same time. And who better than to start with than myself. I have a bomb to drop for those of you who don't have the pleasure of knowing me... I fucking hate retards. Here, let me start in the beginning...

When I was a little girl, much more open and innocent than this meat, gristle, and hatred that writes before you, I changed from a private school to the same public school that my siblings went to. On one of the first days there, we were at recess, and one of the "special ed." kids, a dirty, snot faced little bitch said something that I couldn't make out (for obvious reasons... I don't speak retard). I gave her a standard, "Excuse me", and she disappeared, only to return with another "special ed." mongoloid who stood at least 6 feet tall. Now, that isn't monstrously tall; however, in an elementary school yard, that bastard is looming above everyone else. He walks straight up to me, and punched me with all his retard strength, which is ironically, superior to the strength of normal people. So, there I was, all of seven and bleeding from my face onto my pretty dress. And for what? Because I was normal! Fuck that!! My sister later kicked that kid's ass, but she got suspended, whereas he did not because he was "special". The suspension didn't last because my mother flew off the handle and screamed at the principal, "I don't care how "special" he is. He hit my baby in the face! If I had seen him before her sister did, I may have killed that retarded fucker!" Needless to say, I get my "fiery" temper from my mother. It was years later that I had a chance to seek revenge; I was 18 years old and I saw that the moron worked for Publix (don't they all?!), and I wanted to abandon my cart full of purchased groceries and beat the shit out of him... The ice cream saved his ass that day. Clearly, I have some unresolved feelings.

The truth of the matter is, I think that "special" kids need to go to "special" schools. No fucking the principal Mrs. Gump, take that kid to a special school where he will fit in. I've been called a fascist for this, but I stand my ground. It would only benefit all involved; the mentally challenged won't be mocked and the normal kids won't be subjected to "special" children who arrive in their "special" little, yellow bus with their "special" strength who get out of trouble because they have "special" privileges. I am aware that they don't know any better, and that is my point, they just don't know. They don't know that petting a puppy too hard might break its neck, so you don't hand the retard a puppy, without regard to hurt feelings. Such is schooling, don't put them in a normal public school or they might break necks. If the goal is for retarded kids to go to normal schools because the parents want them to have a normal education like everyone else, then they need to be treated like everyone else, punishments included.

After making comments about pornography and the absence of "gay porn" to my friends, I was told (through laughter, mind you) that I'm going to have retarded kids as punishment for my mocking. If I am ever cursed (or "blessed" as some people say) with a retarded child, I'd like to think I'd love them as I would any child that is mine. I would also like to think I would raise them exactly like I would any other child I birthed. Everything is learned, including acceptable behavior, and that is exactly what I would teach: what is/is not acceptable. None of this "special" bullshit would fly. For me and mine, "special" will be synonymous with exceptional and gifted; therefore, no "special" treatment for being retarded other than a smidgen more patience. I don't believe someone born with an extra chromosome has any more compassion than the average person, so my gut tells me if I did something embarrassing or appeared odd looking to them, a retarded person would laugh and point at me without much reservation. As mush as I dislike retards, I don't mock them or laugh at them (please, I have some decorum); however, I don't handle them with kiddie gloves either. The mentally challenged are not above the laws of etiquette that governs us all, so instead of "special" treatment, perhaps lessons in acceptable behavior would be better suited for everyone. If that is too much to ask for, may those little yellow "special" buses drive those "special" kids to their very own "special" learning environment.

And that's real.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

I'm back to business at my scheduled time. I'm feeling well rested after my two days off, so my mind is sharp, well, sort of. Anyhow, on this Wednesday, I shall ask, Women, why do we love love love to gossip? I mean, we women really eat that shit up. I'm sure men gossip too, but it goes a little something like this: "Yo, you know Phil is fucking Mike's ol' girl, Stacy.... What?! Son" Anyhow, it's over in like 5 minutes, tops. Women will sound a little more like this: "Oh my God! I have to tell you the most outrageous thing. Okay, you remember Stacey right? She went out with Brian, Mark, and Philip in middle school, and she fucked like five football players in high school. I think she got an abortion too. Anyway, she's fucking Mike Sanders one week AND now Philip Scott! Can you believe it? Let me start at the beginning...."

I'm aware that there are more differences amongst women/men than there are differences between men and women, but gossiping is totally different between the sexes. Women, Why are we obsessed with other peoples' affairs? Why do we behave as if our family/friends/coworkers woes are better than reality T.V.? And to top it all off, the juicier and more outrageous, the better!!! Men just keep it general, but we women love to know/tell the ENTIRE story... From the rooter to the tooter. Women, why are we hell-bent on knowing other people's business? And then why do we spread it around?

Women... Are we cunning and ruthless? Do we love to see misery in others' lives and love to spread it? Or are our minds constantly inquiring, and we simply want to know... And we'd like others to know also? Why, oh why do we gossip about real life drama like it's a new VH1 series? Why do we love it so?

I'll admit that I'm currently in the throws of a gossip session with my two favorites, Will Work For Shoes and Rogue Scholar; however, it's more humorous than back-stabbing. If you've never heard Will Work For Shoes excitedly tell you a piece of juicy gossip, then it's totally your loss. She gets so animated that it's hard to resist getting caught up in the story. Yet, we aren't telling the rest of the free world; it's just between us girls. As for why we enjoy it so, I can only guess it's reassuring us that we're not gauche or crazy. Well, not too gauche or crazy. Hehe...


Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Crotch Rockettes

Witizens,

Oh, it's only natural that Will Work For Shoes and Rogue Scholar are in my head, and better still, ahead of time. I was going to post my opinion on the opinion that going "commando" is oh so taboo. Let me begin with what "Commando" is: commando is not wearing underwear. As for myself, I have been a "commando" advocate since high school. I don't wear panties unless I have to or I want to; the latter being not much at all. I wouldn't wear a tit-sling either, but gravity would make that look icky when I'm 35, and that ain't right. I do still love to buy panties because I'm a shopaholic and running out of panties is a signal that I need to do laundry (I think I buy them to avoid doing laundry by now). Anyhow, going sans panties is not some kind of statement or feminist mumbo jumbo, I just prefer no panties for comfort. It used to be that I'd only go commando with pants or shorts, but now it's reached out to skirts and dresses; however, mini anything calls for panties (garters and stalkings can only help the outfit). I do tend to have a sense of relief when I see women herded into Victoria's Secrets because I've been told and retold that men love no panties better than thongs. It's quicker, more revealing, and it shows some flare. Wooooooo!!!

It was yesterday on the radio that I heard two different sides to chicks who go commando. The first was a sound clip of the ladies from The View... and that bull Rosie O'Donnell. The opinion of all combined was that going without panties, this being discussed after Britney Spears' crotch exposure, is horribly wrong and offensive. I not only disagree, but that Rosie gets on my nerves, so I switched stations, and these other DJs (2 of which were men, and 2 women) were saying that the new trend of no panties was disgusting. Then the guys said it was nasty. I was shocked... two different radio stations discussing commando... guys not liking easy access... What?! I switched the station again and opted for classical.

It all became clear when Will Work For Shoes sent me an email (titled: "These Girls Are Nasty) on the aforementioned topic, and IMs between herself and Rogue Scholar; these made all the hype crystal clear. With actresses/songstresses Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan (The Crotch Rockettes) all going commando, it had blown out of proportion. Apparently, the Crotch Rockettes are not only neglecting to wear panties, they want to be photographed stepping out of their limos in mini skirts/dresses, legs splayed, coochie out to be photographed also. And VOILA! A trend is born. Ummm, ewwww and no! I may not want to wear panties for comfort, but I'd find it highly uncomfortable to see pictures of my vag everywhere. Britney just had a baby (and shows off her C-section scar), Paris already has a sex tape and reinvented the "plumber's crack" fad, and Lindsay is notorious for being a whore or a drunken whore; I don't think they are the calibre that most men would want a glimpse at their pussies... A little too loose. The new worry is that young impressionable girls will follow in their footsteps, especially since there is so much hype surrounding the topic, and since The Crotch Rockettes' twats can be seen in magazines and via the internet. Just look at the attention one can get for something so insignificant! I'll just say this to worrisome parents, "Buy them a Victoria's Secret gift card, and don't buy them a limo...."

Whether or not this new trend that the Crotch Rockettes have began takes off, I'll still do my thing. The talk around town is that not wearing panties is unsafe, but I don't see how a thong can ever be considered protection, so again, I'll do my thing. When I'm in a skirt or dress, I sit like a lady, and when I'm wearing pants, it is only then I'll sit like a boy. Sans paparazzi. Sans limo. With a hint of grace. The Crotch Rockettes' new trend will only appeal to those girls who were whorey to begin with; the rest of us will just keep crossing our legs.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo