Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

Wow, it's Thursday already? Why, Women are we always late.....? (Clears throat)

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Tramedy... The Fall of "Kramer"

Witizens,

In a world filled with hate, we could all use a little bit more comedy. However, a group of laugh-seekers found themselves being inundated with hate at a comedy club of all places, and there was nothing funny about it. Michael Richards, most notoriously known as Cosmo "Kramer" on the acclaimed television series Seinfeld, had a blow up and breakdown during his stand up routine at the comedy club "The Laugh Factory". (If you go to Youtube.com and search for Richards, you too can bear witness to his undoing.) Apparently, some of the audience members, who coincidentally were black, were interrupting his act by talking, and may have heckled him on top of that. Richards thought the best way to deal with the situation was to become the most racist and antagonistic comedian ever to be born; the audience members and America does not agree. I was shocked to see him lose it like that, and more so, what he was harboring in his heart. Ultimately, I was shocked and appalled that people continued to enjoy a show and comedian that were clearly unraveling before their eyes.

I am well aware racism is alive and well, and perhaps, will never die. I have accepted this. I also accept that Michael Richards may be a racist. What annoyed me about the clip I watched was that some audience members laughed through the whole incident, as if "Kramer" was just being crazy, spunky "Kramer"; rather than noting that Michael Richards was being an angry bigot. The word nigger has too much weight and power for my liking. Fuck saying "The 'N' Word"; nothing is too horrible to say. Nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger, nigger... there. It's silliness. Richards screaming nigger over and over wasn't as big an issue for me as the maliciousness he was going for by screaming the word. Ranting and screaming about what would have happened fifty years ago to blacks, with a notion that it's a pity that it's not currently still in practice, is fucking outrageous. If we are to get past, well, the past, then in the present, that kind of ignorance is a huge setback to getting over it. Michael Richards isn't "Kramer", and if "Kramer" was as racist as Richards, then Seinfeld wouldn't have lasted a season, and he wouldn't have been the lovable character we know so well.

An apology was made to "Afro-Americans" (shakes head) on Letterman after the incident (which can also be viewed on Youtube.com), but I could care less. I'm not convinced. Neither was the Letterman audience who continued to laugh as if wacky "Kramer" was at it again, couldn't take him serious; Seinfeld, Richards, and Letterman tried to stop the giggles. I do believe that he is truly sorry he won't get much work, the public thinks he's a dick, and now his career will be overshadowed by his outburst. However, do I think he is apologizing to niggers, I mean Afro-Americans? Again, I'm not convinced. I'm only convinced that that man needs cue cards at ALL times, and should not speak unless his PR clears his statements. "I'm sorry" won't take anything back, and in most cases, it only serves as insurance it won't happen again... in public, at least. But what's done is done, and our idea of wacky "Kramer" is done. As that heckling nigger so eloquently put it, "You're done... all you had was Seinfeld... that's it"; I too agree that Richards is finished. One way to become Hollywood poison and America's most mocked is to have a racial outburst before the masses. True enough, comedian Dave Chappelle and Carlos Mencia incorporate a lot of racial jokes into their routine, but it's not one group in particular; they are equal opportunity racists. They also don't deliver their jokes with hatred and malice oozing from every pore. I would have been disappointed and appalled at whatever ethnic group Richards spazzed on, but condoning what the Klan would and should do to niggers is like a comedian joking that Hitler had the most brilliant idea of what to do with the Jews. See... it'll never be funny. Perhaps that talk is better left at the rallies, Mr. Richards, not at comedy clubs. Tsk tsk.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo ("Kramer")

P.S. When were forks stuck up upside down niggers' asses? Did I miss that in history class?

Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

As the Massive Turkey Genocide Day approaches, I find myself thinking of good eats, good drinks, good times, and good football games. It's in fact, all good. What I'm not thinking about is awaking the next day to fight, claw, and bite my way through the mall for the "Annual After Thanksgivings Day Sale So You Can Try To Cram All Of A Year's Worth Of Christmas Shopping Into One All Day Event"... Women Why? Just fucking why?

In reality, those "sales" prices are probably comparable to when you first saw it and wanted all that shit for yourself to begin with. Most stores will hyper inflate the price, then mark it down by a large percentage, and Voila! A sale is born. Women, why bother with waking super early to avoid the unavoidable parking lot fiasco, ridiculous lines, the endless searching... the anarchy? Why spend the day after you've stuffed yourself gorging on marked down items? Is it like Shopping Kombat? Do you do it for sport? At the end of a long and tiresome day, I'm sure more money is spent because "it was all on sale" than what should have been spent. Why go bankrupt in a day? Is it because the word "sale" is everywhere?

For those women who love me to pieces, I ask for only one gift this season: don't "Sale", err I mean sell yourselves out by going out there in that madness for a gift me... not even for me. Have yourselves a Happy Thanksgiving. Kisses.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

The Christmas Spell

Witizens,

It is the end of a glorious week; glorious due to the awesome weather down here in South Florida. If you've never been to the sunshine state, do yourself a favor and come during the winter. To come during the summer is to embrace the sun itself. It's fucking hot down here in the summer, but winters are brisk and, you guessed it, sunny. With the weather changing, I can feel a change in my mood also. I've been more cheerful and "how do you do?" to everyone, even strangers. I've also found that I've been in the mood for snuggling, cuddling, and canoodling, which is groundbreaking for an attachment phobe such as myself. I wonder if there is a name for the condition of being more touchy-feely in the winter. Climate Intimacy... Climacy? Anyhow, if there is a name, then I am that. In the summers, I'm not at all interested in being touched; everything feels sweaty and stickier. But winter... aaaah, winter is the most wonderful time of the year.

Side note:
Fashion also plays a huge part of the magic in the air. I love dark clothes, and autumn/winter is the best time to don my dark goodies. Ooh, and all the accessories, i.e. hats, scarves, sweaters, boots... I love them all. I know I sound a lot like Jackie Berkhart from "That 70s Show", but it's true. Winter fashion kicks ass! (Clears throat) I'll proceed...

Every year, around the same time (right before Halloween), I experience these feelings. It has to be the magic of winter, the holidays, and the chill in the air. Maybe it's all that bundling up that makes cuddling seem awesome. Le sigh... It appears that I'm a weather whore. The thing is, I notice it in others too. Men are holding the door for me more than usual. Hell, women are also holding the door. My family is hugging more. The children are cheerful. My cat is more of a snuggle bum... All is right with the world. God Bless Us, Everyone.

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Why Women Wednesday

Witizens,

Sisters, hear my cry of inquiry! And please, riddle me this... Why Women, do guys say that the woman's private area has a fishy smell? I know I'm crossing the line, but so is having a rank tuna smell wafting from between thine legs. It has apparently happened on so many occasions that all guys think all girls have that smell. For the motherfucking record, that is not true. Cleanliness will eliminate any odors, so the key is to be clean ladies. I remember a commercial in which a girl asks her mother, "Mom, do you douche?" I only remember because it was a horribly embarrassing commercial growing up with three older brothers. It didn't matter that I didn't even know what that was; I knew it was girly and private. Cut to the present day, and not only do I realize it's girly, but also that it's necessary. Why, women, are you more embarrassed at buying things to help with the upkeep of your vagina than the aftermath of neglecting it? Why is it embarrassing at all?

Not for the weak at heart...

If you don't have heart to hearts with your mom, and you want to know what, when, where, how, and (my fave) why you should use a douche, just think of it as an internally cleaning method. Soap and water is all fine and dandy, but that won't really get all up in it. Would you use soap and water clean your teeth? Of course not. So, in the case of your snatch, every once in awhile (3-6 months), just give yourself some spring cleaning. There are some warnings and drawbacks to overusing these products, but if done properly, it is beneficial. Apropos, there are warnings and drawbacks to smelling like Chicken of the Sea. Bad odors are usually a sign of some kind of lack in hygiene, or worse, infection. It is safer to be clean and stay clean, that way if something is off, you'll always be the first to know... and not some poor bastard going down on you. Why, women, would you even let a guy go down there if you're feeling less than fresh? UGH!

If you don't want to take my witsy word for it, then ask a doctor... Or family/friends. Better yet, ask the guy who's giving you face (oral sex) if he'd rather your vag's natural scent, or spring/flower scented. I'm no man, but my olfactory senses tell me I'm onto something. If you won't do it for the masses, do it for yourself. Please remember, cleanliness is close to Godliness... And do it to decimate that long running stereotype that girls smell like fish. What a fucking travesty!

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Congratulations Dr. King

Today marks an historical day in American history. For the first time, a great American who was black will be honored in Washington DC at the National Mall. The groundbreaking for Dr. Martin Luther King's memorial is scheduled for today at 9:00AM. Many people will be there for this event, I wish I was one of them. One of those people is the great poetess, Maya Angelou. She plans to read a poem written by another and I want to take this chance to share it with you all. She said she chose it because it is perfect for today and the mood and the atmosphere of our society. It truly moved me and I hope it does you too.


Frederick Douglass

When it is finally ours, this freedom, this liberty, this beautiful and terrible thing, needful to man as air, usable as earth; when it belongs at last to all, when it is truly instinct, brain matter, diastole, systole, reflex action; when it is finally won; when it is more than the gaudy mumbo jumbo of politicians:this man, this Douglass, this former slave, this Negro beaten to his knees, exiled, visioning a world where none is lonely, none hunted, alien, this man, superb in love and logic, this man shall be remembered. Oh, not with statues' rhetoric, not with legends and poems and wreaths of bronze alone, but with the lives grown out of his life, the lives fleshing his dream of the beautiful, needful thing.

by Robert Hayden

Please take a moment today to think about all the struggles and the comforts of your life. Think about all those who came before you and did unimaginable things to allow you the freedoms you have today. Thank those people and think about what you can do for your future, your child's future and the world's future.

Will Work For Shoes

Why Women Wednesday

Witizens:

I remember seeing a Chris Rock stand up, and he asked the very same question that I wanted to write about today. I'd really like to know the answer to this one. Why, Women, do you hate other women so much? I'll admit, I'm not a huge fan of girls, but a woman that has her shit together doesn't bother me in the slightest. It's those silly ass women that behave more like girls that annoy me. However, in general, I find that women fucking loathe other women so much that they become like the characters on their favorite soap operas/reality shows. Why the intense hatred? Why the lack of trust? Why is it always about some man?

I used to work with two other females in my office. One had her shit together (cool), and the other was the oldest and seemed the most lost (crazy). As soon as I (the baby) was added to the equation, the whole thing fucking fell apart. With it only being the two of them for so long, they had kept it civil. When a third person arrived, it allowed them to vocalize their undying hatred for one another. Lucky me. I got to enjoy them fighting like cats and more evil cats, scheme on each other, try to outscheme the schemes, and ultimately break down and quit because they had driven themselves mad. It was like watching a car crash; horrific, but you just can't look away. The hatred between them was so strong, that they then try to form alliances with me, and I felt like a fucking "Survivor" finalist. More so, I felt like the only mature one in the office. It finally got weird for me when the cool one quit, and I was left alone with the crazy one. When I would do anything domestic around the office (cleaning, bringing in homemade goodies, and all in low-cut tops and high heels), she would go ballistic and snap, "Stop that! They might start expecting us to do it!!" Why can't women work together without feeling like the other XX carrier is "Out to destroy" her? Why is it all so over the top?

I think there is a general lack of trust amongst women. I've repetitiously heard, "You can't trust another woman", "Don't let a female in your home/around your man", and my personal fave: "I know how women are...". Yet, I don't know why there is this disloyalty amongst our sex. Men don't go around saying how men are "out to destroy them", nor do they constantly chop a fellow fellow down. Women, why are you stabbing your own kind in the back? Why do you shoot those daggers at other females when they are with an attractive man? Why would you ever think you can convince men that you are their equal and can get what they've accomplished done, yet you consider members of your own gender as worthless and backstabbing? Why do you hate the female coworker that makes the same 75% of the men folk's income, but not the man staring down through that glass ceiling over both of your heads? Women, why not just consider yourselves female chauvinists?

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Witsy's Wonderful World of Disney

Witizens:

I just got back from my birthday Walt Disney World vacation, and it will definitely be a memorable experience. It deffo kicked off with a BANG (clears throat)! Where in the hell should I begin? Ooh, first, I stayed at the coolest couple's (Will Work For Shoes & her hubby) pad in Orlando; we kicked off the celebrations on Thursday night. It was an awesome birthday just chilling, drinking, and chiefing with old school friends. The next day, I had plans to have brunch with a few friends. I pulled up to the restaurant to find my friend in shock because she'd just locked her newborn in the car. Luckily, the keys were in the ignition, so he was cool and comfortable, but she was crying hysterically because he was crying and well... she'd just locked her baby in the car. We calmed her down and assured her she wasn't the worst mother in the world, and we called the police, who sent firemen out to break into the car. YAY!! Disaster averted. We all went on to have lunch, and I spent most of the day with her and the little one. I squealed a whole big bunch.

That night is when the Disney experience officially kicked off. I met up with my partner in crime, Lioness of Zion, at the hotel room (we call it the JAGGER Room) and it was on from there. Fear & Loathing at Disney had begun. Here's a little bit of history on Lionness and Not~So~Cosmo at Disney: We go fucking nuts. We drink and smoke ourselves RETARDED. We drop more cash on silly trinkets and Disney memorabilia than we do on bills. We scream random inside jokes. We holla at all kinds of guys (single or with their families), from all over, so we call it "Pimpin' All Over the World"... We are Hunter S. and his attorney, only it's not in a sess pool like Vegas where our antics would easily be overlooked; it all goes down in a family setting. We push everything to the limit. Needless to say, we were so hyped to be at Disney again, that the festivities began when I walked into the room. Then we set off for dinner and bowling with friends, and that was the first mistake. Rule #1: "Never EVER leave the Disney compound." We had never broken that rule, and here we were racing to our own undoing.

Bowling was cool, but not as wild and crazy as it usually is. I don't know, something was missing. After that, we went and drank more. Lots more. After that, we drunkenly drove back to the hotel; Lioness, myself, and two more people that I'll just call "JCC" and "Apathy". Again, a cardinal rule was broken. Rule #2: "Only the Lioness and Not~So~Cosmo can stay in the JAGGER Room." The events that occurred in our JAGGER suite will not be accounted for in writing. I will say this: "I will blame plenty on alcohol, and I would do anything for love... but I won't do that." I ended up getting pissed. Fuck that! I ended up LOATHING everything, and FEARING for everyone's safety because I was so out of control. If I had a hammer, I'd have hammered that morning. I didn't fall asleep until a ridiculous hour, and woke up at 7am for a wonderful day at Disney.

Rule #3: "In Walt Disney World, you have to be happy. You HAVE to!!" So, I put my best foot forward and had the BEST TIME EVER. The Lioness made it uber fun, but there was a entity born on Friday; "Jimmy Crack Corn". I awoke on Saturday and said that our guests had a real "Jimmy Crack Corn, and I Don't Care" mentale, and the song stuck with us for rest of the trip. To top it off, we went to the coolest restaurant in Epcot, and the actual song was playing inside the restaurant. Oh, how God has the best sense of humor. The restaurant rotated, and in one spot, they played the song; we got to hear it three times. Jimmy cracking his corn, and no one giving a damn. We were in hysterics. Then I say (in my bitchiest tone ever), "Well meet my Jimmy Crack Corn, and he's better than yours...", and then went on to say how I was more apathetic than anyone. Sure, it was the bitchiest, most juvenile thing ever, but then again, we were at Disney; I get transported to adolescence all over again. We finished the day with nothing but smiles and comments about "Jimmy Crack Corn", or "Crack Crack Crack Corn, Bitch". Ahh, good times. That night we went to Epcot's Food and Wine Tour (more like Wine & Wine Tour) and proceeded to get retarded... The rest of the trip would have needed a recorder and transcripts.

In the end, I had a blast. Rule #4: "Don't let anything fuck up the Disney magic because it costs too much." The last two rules were the only ones we adhered to, and we had a fantastic time. Sure, some parts were very goyish, but we paid for fun, fear, and loathing, and that's exactly what we got. With the adaption of the "Jimmy Crack Corn and I don't care" mentality, the Lioness and I no longer feared to get on any rides, and we no longer loathed anyone or anything. I do believe the whole trip was saved by Jimmy's corn cracking ass. I love that guy.


Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo

Why? Women? Wednesday?

Witizens:

I will get to the point as quickly as possible, due to the nature of today's inquiry. Why, Women, do we ask so many questions? Wait... let that irony sink in a minute... Okay, and I'll proceed. I am guilty of asking too many questions, obviously, but I'm not a fan of how women ask questions. What I mean is, it takes the average girl at least five questions just to find out what her boyfriend's doing on his birthday. It seems like the questions start small and then build up to the main question (the point) of all those questions. Women, why not just ask exactly what you want to know outright? Why include questions that you already know the answer to? Why are you questioning the poor guy like you're Matlock or Perry Mason?

I remember a certain gentleman told me, "I'm done being interrogated", and it was my wake-up call that I was badgering the witness. After that, I tried to ask questions only when I didn't understand something as opposed to being curious (nosy), or asking questions to affirm what I already knew. It cut down on my questions by 90%. I know when we women like someone, we want to know everything about them. However, pace yourself and let the poor fellow breathe. Asking questions is a great way to learn things, but so is just being observant and listening. It seems we women are more interested in what is being withheld, as opposed to what is being shared. It is possible that a person would like to retain a small part of themselves and keep it to themselves. It is also possible to love someone without knowing the very intricate inner workings of their minds. There is one particular question that women ask, and I absolutely loathe: "What are you thinking?". Please try to avoid asking that fucking question, no matter how tempted you feel, especially if you are hoping for an answer similar to "You... I was thinking about you". Just don't do it. If it makes you feel any better, just assume he's always thinking about you, and carry on. Why, women, do you want to get in their heads and know all the things that aren't being shared?

I also recall one morning that I was typing to three different men on AOL (all friends, of course). They all told me that I was really lucid, clear, and dead-on with everything I said for some reason. After I heard it from each one of them, I realized I hadn't asked one question. It was all just statements, listening, and responding to what was being said. They loved that shit. So did I, to be honest. I wasn't aware I was doing anything special until they pointed it out, but the conversations were going delightfully smooth for me too. In the philosophy of Morpheus, I didn't think so much, I knew so much.


Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo