Katie's Baby

Fellow Witsies:


If you follow celebrity news at all, you must surely be aware of the fact that the little Tomkitten has never been seen. If you're not in the loop of celebrity pairs' nicknames, it's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' (TomKat) little tyke. I know, it's disgusting. Anyhow, after months of public face-sucking/promoting films, the much anticipated Suri Cruise was hatched, and the world rejoiced to see the spawn of the highly kiss-able pair. Yet, Tom and Katie (does Katie really get any say...ever?) have decided not to show their new baby girl off. And not in the way that Whacko Jacko tried to hide his Blanket with a blanket. I'm talking no one has seen Suri at all. Period. Not even under a blanket, or all paparazzi-ish. Nothing. It's become such a stink that one magazine actually started a count down until Suri is sighted. In addition, people think without a film to promote, the pair aren't as media hungry; that even hiding the baby from the public is a publicity stunt in itself for attention; the couple are holding out for more money for any photos of the baby; while still others have ventured deep into the land of conspiracy theory and think there never was a baby. All these theories have crossed my mind a number of times; however, none has stuck like what I'm about to share with you.

At first I questioned if Tom was the dad of young Suri. "What if Suri's father is black? They can't display some biracial baby and say it theirs..." were my first thoughts. But then the wheels started turning even more, and that theory didn't feel quite right. And then it hit me! Suri's father is the Antichrist!!! I know it sounds insane, but I can explain. Surely.

An aspiring actor becomes part of some cult, drugs and coerces his sweet, homely lady to have sex with the devil, the lady gets pregnant and has the offspring of Satan. Sound familiar? Yeah, at first you think Rosemary's Baby, but we can't ignore that it completely parallels the lives of TomKat and their devilish Tomkitten. Tom Cruise is an aspiring actor, no longer "the Man" in Hollywood, after a few disappointments on big budget films in the last few years. Fact. He is a "Scientologist", which if you read anything about it, it seems a tad bit cultish. Opinion, but I still say Fact. Katie Holmes is sweet in that Mia Farrow way, and he does seem to have her on some Deebo mind control. Fact. She got knocked up out of nowhere. Fact. Lastly, everyone is denied seeing this kid, just as viewers were denied of seeing that little creature in Rosemary's Baby. Fact. I've given this waaaay too much thought... FACT!

It sounds like madness, but I think Tom Cruise made a deal with the devil for one more really great film that will get him an Oscar nod, put him in charge of Scientology, or straighten his crooked teeth... I don't know why, but I'm sure a deal was made. In return, Katie hatched Satan's offspring. What if the whole idea seems so outrageous that that is the twist? A movie plot for a Hollywood couple, and with the world waiting, watching, and witnessing the birth of destruction. It's genius in its simplicity. It's madness to the core.

If you think me insane, join the masses, but be part of the few to comment about it. Until next time, keep an eye (and a cross) out for Suri...

Truly,

Not~So~Cosmo