"Expert" on Cruise

Love Bugs:

I'm about to let all my readers in on something only my closest friends know... I fucking hate Tom Cruise with a passion. Now, I'm a pacifist and I believe in love, peace, and happiness, but Tom Cruise enrages me. No other person does this to me, and never has. I mean, I don't even know this guy (in the sense that I haven't met/spoken with him), but all the same, I despise him. It all started with the memorable couch scene, which I missed (thank GOD!) the first time around, but I couldn't escape it. It was aired and re-aired on the tele over and over and over. Why? Because a grown fucking man is jumping up and down on someone's couch! He must have seen the Rick James special on "Dave Chappelle Show", and thought nothing more than "Fuck yo couch...." to Oprah. Anyway, the world watched and laughed at Tom's first public debacle, and yet he continued to spiral down...down...down.... even when no one was laughing.

The second outbreak was one that I did witness on "The Today Show"; Tom Cruise proclaiming he was an "expert of psychology", yelling at Matt Laurer, and bashing Brooke Shields for her usage of prescribed medication, all while hoping to promote Scientology as the way to live. Okay, so this I took to heart because I graduated with a degree in Psychology, and yet I don't consider myself an "expert", nor do I think I know all about prescription drugs. And just when in the hell did Tom have time to master psychology anyway? Studying a part for a movie doesn't mean you really know what the character knows... fucking moron. Anyhow, this second outbreak was when Tom Cruise went from up here (about 5'8" inches) to down here (1" from ground). I couldn't stand him from this point on... Oh, and did he go on...

The third I-just-wish-he'd-shut-the-hell-up moment came when him and his girlfriend kept professing their god damn love for each other. I GET IT!! YOU TRULY LOVE EACH OTHER!!! ESPECIALLY DURING MOVIE PROMOTIONS!!!!! I mean really, no two people make out that much in public, nor say how much they love each other. My God, even Romeo and Juliet would tell them to knock it off, and Shakespeare would tell them to get a room (more like getteth thou a chamber). Still, it wasn't as bad as that "expert of psychology" or the "Matt, Matt, Matt...You're so glib" comments; however, all the PDA just made me nauseous. What's even creepier is recent footage I saw with the pair, a montage of them making out, and in one segment, I could tell he mouthed, "You don't have to". I could only assume he meant she didn't have to kiss him, but he was holding the base of her head/neck, and he slightly jerked her head towards him and tightened his grip as he said, "You don't have to". Umm, unless she wants to get her neck broken, I'm guessing she better keep lip locking. (If anyone wants proof, I could easily find said footage again. Seriously, he's psycho.)

The fourth slight came when Tom Cruise insisted that "South Park" be cancelled because they had made a show mocking both himself and Scientologists. I thought the episode was flippin' hilarious, as did millions of other people, but not old Tommy boy. He flipped out and wanted the show cancelled, and to see to it, he threatened not to promote Mission Impossible III, which I'm sure sucked just like the previous one. This was so asinine on so many levels, that I just wrote Tom Cruise off as the biggest fucking loser in the land. The creators of South Park, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, mock EVERYONE. Here's a clue, Jesus is a recurring character!! The show is notorious for its humorous slant on things that are happening in the world, that no one really even takes it to heart. Except for Tom Cruise and Isaac Hayes, who quit after the Scientology episode because he's also a Scientologist. I guess mocking Christians and hundreds of other wasn't so bad for Mr. Hayes. Anywho, Tom made such a stink about the show, that they pulled the episode from airing (Stone and Parker have submitted "Tom in the Closet" for some award and it's been nominated, of course, and now the episode can be aired again). I would think he had more important things to worry about... For example, his own public image, but hey who am I? I'm no expert on public image, well not yet anyway.

Tom Cruise later went on to have some British pranksters arrested because they had a dummy microphone that squirted water in his face during a press opportunity/movie premiere. Yes, it was a funny prank, but it was mean. I understand him being upset. This guy went friggin' ballistic! You would have thought he was being pissed on from how pissed off he got. The men, all working for a British television series, got to spend a night in jail because Tom was wet for two minutes. I hate a rat, and a rat that squeals because he got water in his eyes makes me want to punch him in the face.

After the outrageous attempts to sink his own career, Tom Cruise has not slowed down from his stupid shenanigans during the past few months. He and his gal, Katie, are still as kisserific as before, the devil baby is being hidden from the rest of the free (and holy) world, and he still gives his stupid fucking opinions about things he's not an expert on. Until Tom Cruise pushes a baby out of that tight-wad ass of his, I don't want to hear that women shouldn't cry out during childbirth from him. Or that postpartum depression isn't real, medication isn't the way and is actually harmful and not at all helpful, vitamins, exercise, and diet are the ONLY way...No more! Being opinionated does not make one an expert; I should know because I'm an expert opinionist, but that's about it. It doesn't take expertise to be an asshole, Mr. Cruise, and unfortunately, that's the poor bastard's only expertise.


Truly Venomous,

Not~So~(Cruise)Cosmo